So, my woes in writing is starting to get the better of me. Self doubt and anxiety is not really helping and I look at all my notes for my latest project and today I seriously had to ask myself: “Is this good for me?”
I haven’t written a line on my story for real, but already i’m penning down characters, races, the world and relations between them and trying to figure out how I should make those three short passages in my mind work.
That’s usually how it starts, I get a sort of vision, a scene that plays very vividly in my mind and my brain is off to the races and starts trying to find out why and how that scene came to be, where it will lead and how it will end.
And for what? Some megabytes of a text file on my computer, expansive ink penned into expansive books as I tell myself “it’s just for me, my own well being”. Lately I’m questioning that as well. Is this making me well, or are these dreams, fantasies and lures of writing just another way that breaks me down?
A way to beat myself up?
Shouldn’t I just quit and give up?
Maybe? I don’t know really.
My latest crazy idea is a mix, I love mixes by the way, between Western and fantasy. To make it all work, I had to dig into the industrial revolution and then had to start thinking about how it all came to be. That worlds shattered and tore through each other and created a new world and having suddenly dimensions. Where elves and demons actually understood each other better and evil is as evil does. And of course, steam punk dwarf’s you know, because…
I have had some inspiration for this one, Justina Robson’s really cool series ‘Quantum Gravity’ for one, World of Warcraft, Lord of the Rings, Nordic faerie tales, Steam Punk in general and Arcanum. Mix it, trix it and try to find a way to fix it… Might stop at being fatigued in my hands from writing all those crazy ideas down in a journal…
Well, for now, let me leave you with a few lines from a song that is stuck in my mind which to some degree I think sums up my feelings today:
From Alice In Chains “Don in a Hole”
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly, but my wings have been so denied